The leaves being to turn brilliant shades of red, brown and orange. Folks start sipping on pumpkin spice lattes, and the warm summer air turns crisp and cool. Pumpkins and multicolor mums grace doorway and there is talk of the upcoming holidays. Usually these are happy words filled with excitement and anticipation. But for many the thought of sitting around a table filled with family feasting on turkey or a Christmas tree bursting with gifts brings a knot of pain to their stomach and an ache in their hearts so deep, words cannot express.

Often times I find myself in a crossroads of choices. The past few years those choices have been difficult ones. Choices that I knew, would have deep and lasting consequences. Choices that would affect those around me. Choices that would effect my heart and the way I viewed the world and the people therein.

Recently I’ve talked about acceptance and forgiveness but I havn’t really talked about how I’ve arrived at those places. You see in order to talk about that journey it requires going to a place of vulnerability. A place of openness and one filled with deep scars. I once said there is no point in going through all this pain if it can’t at least help one person. The thing is…. it can’t help anyone if I don’t tell the story. So here it goes….

As a little girl I learned to appreciate a delicious home cooked meal because often times I went without. I learned to hold dear a few simple treasures because we were not rich in monetary terms. By the time I was a teenager I learned to value relationships and to take care of the hearts that were so close to mine because the twinge of loss had struck my heart to its core. As a late teen I experienced the ripping apart of a family and what that meant as the holidays drew near. Each fall I would prepare my heart for a fresh dose of pain as family member’s presences were felt even in their absence. Little by little my heart healed over time because God is so close to those who grieve.

What does this have to do with here and now? With much intention, prayer and counsel my heart has been healed of most of its childhood wounds. Like a Japanese vase the cracks in my heart have been filled with heavenly gold. What a beautiful thing that is…. however life does have a way of inflicting new wounds. It twists and turns often in unplanned directions. And that’s exactly what’s happened in mine.

As I said previously our choices have consequences. If I had not choosen to walk through acceptance and forgiveness for all the wounds inflicted on my childhood heart I would not be where I am today. I would have made a right mess out of my life. And I would have had every right to do so. The pain that I walked through well… no little girl should have to go through those things. But that’s for another day…. Because I chose to heal and forgive, my heart was made stronger and was able to withstand the pain that the past several years have inflicted.

I’ve found myself walking through a new set of holiday challenges the past two years. Last year I was in such a deep place of grief and pain it was easier to draw boundaries around myself. Nothing in my life was settled and of course that’s the time when friends and family draw very close. They can visibly see what you are going through. At the time I was walking through a separation and the pain was evident to all those who knew me. No permanent decisions had been made on paper and things could have taken just about any direction. While I did experience my first ever holidays as single mother I was still in fact legally married. There was faint glimmer of hope still deep down in my heart. I did have to make some adjustments through the holidays but nothing like this year.

Fast forward one year.

I am no longer married and this will be my first holiday season as such. There are so many feelings that are running through my heart. The main one is how many others are in the exact same position I am in. Alone on thanksgiving and Christmas. How many people have lost loved ones due to death? How many people who have someone who is still alive but not able to be with them because of illness, misfortune or geography? How many people are just like me and are no longer married? How many people are seperated because of choices and unhealed hearts? My heart breaks for all of you. If there is one thing you get out of this blog is please know YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

Someone once told me divorce is so much easier than loss due to death because you had a say in the matter. You chose divorce. Well, I’m here to say that is not always the case. Sometimes you didn't choose divorce and it happened because your partner abandoned you. Sometimes people do very hurtful things and it really wasn’t your fault. Of course we can take the lessons, learn from them and make the best choices we can moving forward, but that doesn’t take away the hurt.

This holiday season the crossroads I find myself in probably won’t surprise you. If you have experienced pain because someone hurt you I am sure you’ve also been at that very same intersection. The streets of bitterness and forgiveness.

Two scenes from the popular movie, The Shack come to mind.

The first is the garden scene where the main character Mac is digging a hole. He and Sarayu (the portal of the Holy Spirit) are pulling weeds when suddenly Sarayu says NO! Not that one. A large thorny root was boring its way through the earth. This was a root of bitterness. One prick. One step in that direction and you spiral downward into a pit of anger and despair. The path to bitterness is an easy road to choose and I have witnessed many people walk that way. They have every right with the wounds that have been inflicted upon their hearts. But what I see is that it does not make things better for them. Tightly holding onto the hurts. Carrying each wound through life getting heavier and heavier the farther they go. I have seen beautiful people turn cynical and angry. Their character begins to morph into a shell of who they were created to be. My middle name, Marie means bitterness… It is a constant reminder that I do not have to choose bitterness. I can choose to take a different path. That if I do choose to hold onto resentment and anger bitterness will be my portion. Slowly poisoning my outlook on life and changing the way I interact with people.

*The garden 2023 - uncovering the goodness within*.

The second scene is one that brings tears to my eyes every time I watch it. It is one that I have physically acted out many times. It is a scene where Mac is holding his daughters body, wrapped in burial clothes. He is walking through the forest to the place where she will be buried. He is repeating, “I forgive you. I forgive you. I forgive you…”

He is forgiving his daughters murderer.

To choose the path of forgiveness is not easy. So many times I have walked around my home with my hands out. I imagine I am holding my hurts in my hands and I hold them out for God to take. I repeat, “I forgive you. I forgive you. I forgive you…”

I don’t generally share what hurts me. This is the truly vulnerable part. The part I usually keep to myself. The part I believe is more important to shine light on and let others into. I hadn’t realized this until just a few days ago. That if I never say specifically xyz hurt me It gives way for people in my life to continue the action. I must be open and learn to speak up. To risk people walking away in order to be closer to them. Not an easy thing to do.

This year…. The holidays hurt. My family is no longer whole. My family has been ripped apart and that pain is made evident in that the usual traditions that will not be possible this year. This Thanksgiving I will send my children to spend it with their father. A pain so deep, so penetrating, so overwhelming. This Christmas Day will be the same. I am living the consequences of someone else’s actions. Tears have streamed down my face many times this fall as the reality settles in. I am living something I did not willingly choose. Anger and bitterness try their best to take hold. It would be so easy to take the short cut and jump onto that path. I do after all have every right to do so, but I know it will not help me feel better. In fact it will only do more harm.

So instead I call my sprit up. I accept the pain for what it is. I say once again… or perhaps over and over again, “I forgive you, I forgive you, I forgive you….”

Until the feelings subside and I can rest once more in the truth that God has me. He WILL work ALL things for my good.

So if this holiday season you are finding yourself alone. Abandoned by the ones who were supposed to love you and stand by you and be there for you… just know I’m right there with you. We will make it through this. One step. One moment. One act of forgiveness at a time.

This holiday season I am throwing out many of our little traditions. I have decided the best way to move forward is to try new things. To make new memories and to embrace each holiday as it comes. Thanksgiving is for thankfulness. I will fill my heart with thoughts of thankfulness. I am blessed to have many beautiful people in my life. I am using different days to celebrate with family and friends. Thankful that they don’t mind celebrating when my kids can join us. Christmas is about the birth of our King. The same King that has held onto me, walked with me and is turning all of this for my good. Everything beyond celebrating Him is extra. We get to. So I will hold gratefulness in my heart and choose to focus on what I get to do rather than what I don’t get to do.

Does all of this mean I won’t still feel the pain? No. No it doesn't, but it does mean I can begin to rebuild in goodness.

You can too. I believe in you.

- Esther

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