Stepping Out Of Survival Mode

Often times life takes us on a journey we didn't intend to take. Sometimes the road we end up on twists and turns. It goes down into deep valleys and other times leads us up a steep and narrow mountain path. We feel we are clinging to the edge of a rocky mountain - just enough room to fit our fingers and toes into the crevices. I remember once not that long ago sitting in my room and closing my eyes, I could see a scene just as I described. I heard the words - “It’s ok you’re in survival mode.” Those words were spoken to me the week of the accident…. 8 years prior…

How easily

We can access the creator.

I saw myself standing there on that mountains edge looking up at the steep terrain I still had to climb to reach the top. It seemed impossible. I sat down right there on the path and cried. I felt my spirit loosing hope. Giving in to the pain. So close to giving up the fight. I wasn’t sure how to go any farther. The strength had left me. I heard the words “I am your strength” It was a voice I knew well. God was reminding me I didn’t have to do this on my own. I knew I couldn’t keep going like this. I knew something had to change. I looked up through my tears and said “well, if you want me to keep going you’re just going to have to pick me up and put me in your backpack. You’re going to have to carry me the rest of the way…..”

I often have visions, pictures and conversations with God this way. What a blessing it is to no longer be bound by law and temples and rights of passages. How easily we can access the creator of the universe!

It’s been a year or two since this vision took place but the memory of it gently floated into my mind this morning as I did something I havn’t been able to do in a very long time.

Survival mode happens when some kind of trauma takes place or we find ourselves in a difficult life circumstance. Abuse, illness or or loss can all bring about survival mode. This version of living is where you do the absolute bare minimum to just get by. You do only the things necessary for survival and forget the rest. Not that it makes you lazy it's just that you are in such a state physically, mentally, emotionally or all of these that you cannot function at your usual pace. In my case it was the accident that brought about the mode of survival. There is nothing wrong with going into survival mode for a short time - it’s when this turns into a season or a lifestyle you have to start asking questions like… is there something more going on here?

For me, yes, there was a much deeper reason for the season of survival I had found myself bound by. What started out as survival mode slowly became a way of life. As time ticked by one second at a time I gave away parts of myself one small piece at a time…. or locked those pieces up in my heart to protect them. It simply wasn’t safe to show them any longer. As time between the of turning the key in the lock and each passing day eventually I forgot those parts of me where ever even there… until …

Painting I did in spring 2023

I made it to the top of that mountain…. well let’s just say God carried me until I could stand again. My circumstances changed. Things didn’t go as I expected at all! Do they ever? Has life been easier? Uh… well. Not exactly. No. In fact in a lot of ways it’s been harder. Its different. My life is no longer familiar. I have no idea what’s going to happen next. My carefully drafted 10 year plan went up in smoke so to speak. My children are more like wild velociraptors and less like the sweet angels I’d imagined I’d have when I was 20. And well that’s probably because their mom is not exactly the mild mannered quiet one…I believe feral describes our family best… And you know what? I’m find with that! Ok back to survival mode. Have we left it behind for good? Uh. well….

No. Not yet. You see, I just changed out one set of problems for another. I haven’t quite gotten my sea legs yet. Most of the time I am still just trying to catch a breath. But I am in fact standing on the top of that mountain. Do you know what mountains are good for? Clear vision. You can see things from a mountain top that you cannot see when you are down in a valley or surrounded by the trees. And that is just what has started to take place in my life. I am starting to be able to see things again.
In order to survive I had to close my eyes to disfunction, brokenness and messes. I could only manage so many things. I kept up the house just enough. I taught my children the very basics. I limped our homestead by on as little as possible. Most of the joy had dripped out of the bottom of my cup long ago. The strength and passion I had when I started motherhood and homesteading were used up. The ability to smile and enjoy life was waining and I wasn’t sure I would be able to truly feel a deep sense of joy again. Until two days ago…

A friend and I were discussing their recent polar plunge experience, which took place in our 33F degree lake. Her bravery and light hearted tale inspired me to look farther into the benefits. As an herbal healer I am always on the look out for alternative therapy and things in nature that are healing. Cold plunges and cold air exposure, sometimes called cryotherapy were reputed to be highly beneficial.

I did a little digging and found out that the benefits are nearly identical to both cold water and cold air exposure. Some of the benefits being seasonal depression relief, anti-inflammatory, mood & metabolism boosting and more! It didn't take much convincing as I’d seen other YouTubers reaping the benefits and telling their stories on their own channels for many years. Also having learned in my herbal training about the push pull effect of using hot and cold hydrotherapy as a highly effective herbal aid made this an easy yes for me.

Snow storm winter of 2023

Now I have to tell you I have had a history of asthma and I really truly do not like being cold! I am always cold it seems. I even drink cayenne pepper daily in the winter months just to help boost circulation and keep me warm from the inside! As inspired as I was feeling I really wasn’t looking forward to doing this. Do it scared I decided. Just like ripping off a bandaid. Just do it! So I did!! First day 21F degrees 2 minuets of cold exposure! Next morning 35F degrees 3 minuets of cold exposure ended by a snowball fight with my son! Something amazing happened - The moment I stepped into the cold is the exact moment I stepped out of survival mode.

Do you think I expected to receive immediate benefits? NOPE! I sure didn’t! This suck it up and do it attitude seemed to stick with me all day long. I’ve had the most productive week I’ve had in months!!!! But the best part is what inspired this blog. And that is for the first time in years I have been able to open myself up to see the mess. To see the disfunction. To see the broken things going on in my life. AND start fixing them!!! Today I cleaned an area of my house I don’t think has ever been cleaned since I moved in 8 years ago! I re-painted a section of wall that was exposed who knows how many years ago. It always bothered me but I just didn’t have it in me to fix it. I also cleaned out a section of freezer that was long over due. These things might not seem like much to you. And really they are not that monumental by themselves. They took less than 30 minuets to complete.

It’s what they represent that is the big thing. I did all these things as well as my usual routine. This means I have finally reached a point in healing where I am able to take on more. Not a lot and maybe not every day but this step to me is huge! I can feel it. Can you? The hope. It just a shimmer, but it’s there. For the first time in so long hope is standing there and I can see her clearly from the mountain top.

No matter how difficult life has gotten. No matter how hard that mountain is for you to climb. No matter how many years you have been living in survival mode. You can walk into a new season. You can find joy again. You can make it to the top of that mountain. You can do it. I believe in you. Never give up - even if you have to ask to be carried the rest of the way. When your strength runs out that’s where God’s strength begins. You will get there. You will make it. I just know it.

Sometimes we just need to think outside the box. Do something extreme. Do something that makes us uncomfortable or scared and it is just enough to shift our perspective and inspire us to take back other parts of our lives. Don’t let anyone convince you to lock away the best parts of yourself. They are beautiful and what make you a unique gift to this world. Let’s open those locks, throw away the keys and walk in all of who we were created to be today. You are brave. You are strong. The world wouldn’t be the same without you.

Be the light. Be you. Be.

Esther Munroe