Forgiveness

I stood there in my garden looking out over the sea of grasses that covered the once beautiful landscape. I was exhausted from the morning’s work and I had only gotten the beginning of the path cleared. How was it that I used to be able to work so hard and not grow tired? Why had I let this get so out of hand? This garden that I'd started eight years prior used to be the star of the show. Filled with flowers and herbs of every sort from spring until fall. A place of peace and rest. A retreat. Now it lay in ruin, overran with weeds and grass so thick it has to be dug out and separated from what clumps of herbs remain. It was there in that moment as I peered through what seemed like an endless task I realized yet again the garden was showing me a picture of my heart. How had one year passed already?

Yes, at one time this garden was stunning and full of abundance, but now look at it. I thought back on the journey to the present. I remembered all the times I could have stopped and taken care of a few weeds and problems here and there. I thought about how I had been too busy, too tired, to whatever… I also remembered a time when I had to just focus on the beautiful plants and ignore the weeds to get by. Survival mode its called… I feel like I’ve been in survival mode for way to long.

Here’s the thing, when you are in survival mode it allows you hang on tight. Put your head down and keep walking against that wind that is blowing so hard against you. It’s ok to do this for a time, but not for an extended period. At some point you have to make a change. You have to get out of survival and begin to rebuild, reconstruct, reimagine a new normal. Sometimes this means you choose to look at the good and ignore the bad while you figure out how to fix it… this is where I messed up. I kept looking at the good and focusing so hard that the weeds grew unchecked and were allowed to take over this beautiful place until production ceased and the good started getting choked out and began to die.

In my own life the same was true. I allowed a relationship to continue because I thought I had to. I was held hostage thinking no matter the cost I had to stay in a marriage that had died many years before. Separation had already taken place even if the people were still there. I lived in guilt and shame. Some people even told me that they would only support me if I remained married. Eventually I learned the truth and knew that God would not leave me no matter what. It was His peace I needed to pursue.

When I work in the garden I tend to spend the time lost in my imagination, praying and listening to the spirt. Many times I see pictures and the sprit reveals things. This particular day was no exception. I kept on working and found that I was getting more encouraged with every clump of grass I pulled. I started to remember who I had been. The good parts of me I had let slip away and get buried. Beautiful parts of myself that I actually enjoyed. Like the way I used to delight in little things. Simple treasures along a path such as pinecones or a beautiful tiny flower. Waking up ready to jump out of bed excited for the day ahead. While I don’t expect to get back to where I was before, I would like to uncover these buried treasures in my heart and flourish in my truest form. As I pondered the things I was feeling I knew the path to freedom was through forgiveness.

The journey of where I am now is a long one, but let’s save that for another day. For now I’d like to focus on leaving survival mode behind. It starts with acceptance - I recently wrote about this you can read it here if you’d like. The next step is forgiveness. Sometimes they go hand in hand, sometimes forgiveness comes later. I personally have found the quicker I am to forgive the quicker healing comes. It’s not that it’s easy or that it’s something I enjoy doing. Forgiveness opens the door and lets God into the situation. It’s His invitation. He is not a rude guest. He does not barge into our lives. If we truly want to exit survival mode and live to the fullest we must walk in the art of forgiveness.

I have recently had the honor of talking with several friends about forgiveness. Through these beautiful conversations I realized forgiveness is really hard! I think we all struggle on some level okay… maybe lots of levels. I also learned that many people don’t know how to forgive… somehow this is something I’ve learned and I thought I’d share with you a picture with you that came to me.

Imagine you’re standing there completely in peace.

Let every muscle relax.

Now imagine you’re holding a ball that is filled with light out in front of you. The light is swirling around. The ball is light and easy to hold. It’s soft. Now imagine someone comes along and drops a little pebble inside your ball. It floats around and releases a little red swirl mixing with the golden light. It doesn’t feel very good, but nothing you can’t handle. You notice the ball got a tiny bit heavier. You can still carry on.

Now, someone else comes along and puts a couple larger rocks in. It hurts. It’s heavier. There is more swirly red mixed in. You keep holding on. Not struggling to bad but harder to concentrate and be at peace.

Another person comes and this time fills your ball with heavy rocks and the golden light vary nearly disappears as the red takes over. Your light touch on the ball tightens. Your fingers press into the soft sides and it becomes nearly impossible to hang onto it. You no longer feel peaceful you face is strained with pain and your body feels tense. The ball is filled with swirly red liquid. It burns. You manage to take a few steps forward by every step is labored. You cannot keep your focus off the ball you are holding. This is hurt. Pain. The rocks are the insults, damage and unkindness others toss at you. The ball is your heart & soul. Starting out beautifully pure and pain free. if you choose to let the rocks stay inside the ball eventually it will overwhelm you until you become bogged down, bitter, cynical, and full of hurts. Normal life will be nearly impossible & you will begin to boil over at even the smallest things because your ball is already full. There is no more room for mistakes.

Now, I don’t know how you do this outside of God’s love… because I have been forgiven I can often times forgive from that place alone… outside my power. I can let God come take each rock out and restore my peace. The more whole I become the less rocks can fit inside my ball. You become whole by practicing good boundaries & forgiveness.

After I got this picture I decided I wanted to learn a little more about forgiveness. I learned that there are three basic types of forgiveness. The first is exoneration, the second is forbearance and the third is release. Each have their place and purpose. As it turns out I’d been practicing each type over the course of my journey, I just didn’t have the words to put to it. It was very validating to read about them.

You practice exoneration with a safe and trusted person. Usually a spouse or best friend - even children. This doesn’t have to be confined to family relationships however. This type of forgiveness wipes the slate clean. It restores the relationship back to its full state of being and the wound is healed completely. (Though sometimes this takes time and more than just an apology) The person is truly sorry, does everything in their power to not repeat the offense and brings restoration through action. Their desire is to take care of the relationship and your heart.

The second type of forgiveness is forbearance. This is often times practiced in a not so healthy relationship, but one that may still be reconciled. There are times when you can start here with forbearance and move into exoneration. (Something worth celebrating!) This is when one person makes a half hearted apology, they may not really mean it or they are shifting blame. This is the kind of forgiveness where you can forgive but not forget. You don’t just automatically trust this person again. Trust has to be reestablished. This allows you to maintain the relationship but perhaps with strong boundaries and even some distance in the relationship. You can accept the person where they are in their journey but not continue getting your heart hurt. It is wise to let go of grudges and feelings of revenge. Let God handle to justice part.

The third form of forgiveness is Release. This is the kind where relationship is no longer possible. There is no apology or desire to change. Typically this kind of forgiveness is needed when there is betrayal or abuse that has taken place. Release helps you to let the negative feelings go, accept what took place and work on redefining your life. It allows you to “take your hands off the other person throat” so to speak and back away. Or I like to picture two giant fish hooks… mine and Gods. I take the person off my hook and place them onto Gods. This way He can deal with them and I’m not responsible for them any more.

Eventually if you do not let go and forgive it will eat at you and weigh you down until the only thing you can focus on is the hurt and pain. I know it’s not an easy thing to do. We are not called to easy. We are call to do what is right. There is freedom in forgiveness.

Are you walking around bogged down by all the rocks people have placed in your ball? Do you have people you need to forgive? I know I sure do…. sometimes it’s myself that needs the forgiveness. How about we walk out of the weeds together? Let’s pull out the grass and re-discover the beautiful things God placed inside each of us.

-Do you have a story about how forgiveness changed your life or how you got out of survival mode? I’d love to hear from you. Please leave a comment down below or feel free to message me on social media.

I bless you on your journey. Learn and Grow my friends.

-Esther

The kitchen garden & food hedge aka fedge 2023