Shame Based Parenting VS Parenting Through Empowerment

I grew up in a home that was filled with criticism, manipulation and fear. It was not the kind of environment that a child thrives in, but one where survival skills are learned. Just get to 18 was my mantra for many years. Often times I would think ahead to my future children and the atmosphere I wanted to raise them in. If I could create a loving environment I knew I’d have done enough in my life.

A painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior, this is the definition of shame. Cringe. We all know this feeling. This is a different feeling to remorse. Remorse simply helps you correct the wrong action, whereas shame causes you to believe that because you did wrong you are inherently flawed in your design. It freezes you from being able to take action. That sure hits home!

Sadly, I did develop feelings of shame and for a long time struggled with my worth as a human being…. I STILL struggle with my value. Though I will say, I’ve done a lot of internal healing work and come a long way. Because of the environment where my worth was intentionally torn down, and I was constantly walking on egg shells I believed the only way to be valued was by doing or being invisible. This changed me as a person.

People often told me and I can’t even believe I’m writing this…

“well at least your dad doesn’t hit you that often”

All I ever thought was well, I wish he would, because bruises heal. I still hold to this. Emotional abuse can be far more damaging than physical. I lived through both and I guess that’s my personal opinion.

People do not change under criticism. They thrive with encouragement and affirmation so why wouldn’t your kids aka little people not do the same? In fact children lack the ability to frame criticism in a positive way. They internalize so much. I really like how Anna Kaminsky puts it in this article:

When you scold your child angrily, she becomes wholly preoccupied with how you feel about her. She immediately stops thinking about her original mistake and begins to focus on how she feels about your reaction to it. (An excerpt out of https://www.psy-ed.com/wpblog/criticism-shame-parenting/)

Let’s face it. We all became parents without a manual. If we were lucky we grew up in a loving home where there were great examples to help guide us in our own parenting journey. Unfortunately, many of us did not. Honestly, I still think we are all just winging it. We are doing our best with all our wounds, all our life experiences, all our good, bad and ugly… and many of us lean on God to guide us through. I wouldn’t have gotten very far with out Him.

It can be very difficult to switch from your upbringing in shame based parenting… I mean, I can still hear my grandparents saying, “shame on you”… to parenting through empowerment.

When my oldest son was still a little guy I took a class called: Loving Your Kids On Purpose, by Danny Silk. This class was amazing and taught by a good friend of mine. It helped me so much in all my relationships not just in my parenting. This class teaches you how to manage your own self and teaches you how to teach your kids to manage themselves. That was a mouthful. Let me say that again.

By learning to recognize how you are feeling and managing your own feelings, emotions and body you are able to parent better. By learning these skills for yourself you can impart them to your children by example.

This is so powerful! After all that is the whole point of Jesus coming to earth right? To teach us by example!

Here are some ways I have flipped the shame based parenting I was taught as a child to a more empowering method of raising my children.

Creative & empowering discipline.

It can be so hard to break the habit of loosing your cool when your kids push your buttons. I recently explained my oldest what Triggers are. Triggers = buttons I told him. Picture a room full of big red buttons. The room is the person and the buttons live inside them. The buttons are created when someone gets traumatized by something. Often times they are fear based. So when someone dose something that is similar to the event that was traumatizing it is like jumping on one of those buttons. When one of the buttons is jumped on often times people react by yelling, crying or doing things that are out of character; basically becoming emotionally charged.

It is not our responsibility to manage other people’s triggers. Our triggers are our own responsibility. It is our responsibility to learn them, manage them and let people who love us know that we are working on them. Sometimes it take us years to remove a trigger button from our life completely. Sometimes we don’t even know we have one until it gets stepped on. When we react to a situation rather than respond this is a good indicator there is something going on inside of us that is needing attention and probably some healing work.

How can we use creative and empowering discipline tactics to help us avoid being triggered and loosing our cool? The first one is to learn what your triggers are. By identifying what your hot buttons are, you are better able to avoid situations where those buttons might be pushed. While it is good once you’ve done some healing work to ease back into some of those more difficult situations, it’s best to try to avoid them until you’ve discovered their reason for existence.

You can teach your older children about triggers and empower them by letting them in on your healing journey. Please don’t confuse this with putting your children in charge of your emotions. This would be disastrous on so many levels. It is healthy however, to show your kids you struggle too. We all do.

Another way to empower your children is to give them choices. You are the parent and pretty much in control of life. That can make children feel powerless if we are not careful. A way around this is to tell them hey, this is what we are doing and here are your choices within this. For example:

It is bedtime. You are going to bed. - There is no choice here … but you can add

Do you want to run to bed? Or walk? - This is where choice comes in. Therefore giving them power over their lives. They can choose how they get to their bedroom. By limiting choices to one or two this makes things simple. If they do not choose option A or B do not give them option C…. you simply give them the choice to choose. Do you want to choose or do you want me to choose for you? This eliminates argument. And helps you keep your cool. This is one of the many strategies laid out in the Loving Your Kids on Purpose book.

Another method I’ve found helpful is creative parenting. Anything that surprises your kids, distracts them and creates a fun way to learn a lesson is favored in my mind. I first heard of this while reading what has become my most favorite book; Little Men, by Louisa May Alcott. Her creative parenting style worked more often than not. The lessons she taught her boys (and girls) stuck with them all their lives. While I realize this a just a book, I have given a try on more than one occasion and found it does indeed work.

For example: Two of my children were arguing in front of a friend recently. They would not stop and were basically ruining what was meant to be a fun play date for my friend and I, as well as her son. So I thought for a second and decided to take my two children aside and teach them to work together. I tied one of each of their arms together as well as one of each of their legs with bandanas… recreating something like a 3 legged race posture. They were not happy. But they submitted to my authority. I told them they had to go pick up all the dog poop in the yard. One holding the rake and one holding the shovel. At first they moaned and complained and squawked loudly. I reminded them calmly that the job needed to be done in silence if they wanted to return to playing with their friend afterwards. The oldest of the two was very displeased by the task. I sat with my friend next to the window where they were working, waiting with great anticipation to see what the outcome would be. Her son climbed up on the couch next to her and looked out the window wondering what was going on with his friends. We explained that I was helping them to be kind to each other. In no time at all the two tied together children were laughing and working together as I’d hoped they would. They completed their task and didn’t argue the rest of the afternoon. A worthy experiment that had great results. The kicker was after they were untied they came and hugged me and told me I was the best mom. Hahaha. I’m so glad they think so.

The recipe for success?

Firm boundary. Kind implementation. Follow through.

Work together

Another way to empower your children is to work along side them. So often our children just want our attention and affection. If our love tanks are not full we act out in negative ways. Many times this acting out is really just a cry for our needs to be met. Just like when we get angry because we are actually hungry. I know I sure get hangry sometimes.

Giving your children attention does not mean having your cell phone on and in your hand or even right beside you. Children require vast amounts of undivided attention. Actually grown ups do to - we’ve just learned to cope better.

Some ways I’ve learned to spend more time with my children is by recognizing my own needs and limitations. I work to make sure my needs are met so that I can pour out of a full cup. One of these needs is alone time. Quiet. Not on duty. Totally uninterrupted. The only way I get this is by being intentional about it. I get up at 5am every single day just to get this need met. My needs are my responsibility. When I start out my day this way I am better able to keep calm and parent out of empowerment rather than shame. Getting this quiet time to myself allows me to be able to spend quality time with my children. I am able to have the patience that’s required to let them cook along side me, do my chores with them while they do their chores, homeschool them and snuggle with them. When we all have full love takes life just runs more smoothly.

Responsibility

Have you ever thought about kids in the pioneer days? Young children were left in charge of siblings, they cooked, cleaned, harvested, planted, tended the fire, sewed and hunted. Young men carried around knives and guns and no one batted an eye. We sure have come a long way from that in this society, but I honestly think maybe we need to get back to that place. My sons especially, thrive when I give them a more weighty responsibility. My 9 year old son is thrilled when I tell him he is in charge of tending the fire for the day. He has no problem bringing in the firewood, kindling and keeping the fire loaded. His eyes sparkle when he knows he has something real and tangible to do. My other son loves helping shovel the snowy paths to the animal barns. He knows he is taking a burden off of me and helping our family. He doesn’t even love physical work but this chore he does well.

I think kids have this sense of knowing we are meant for more than just sitting and doing paperwork and watching tv all day. They have a built in sense for adventure and doing. It’s only with years of sedentary style learning and a dulling of the senses that this desire disappears for most people by the time they leave twelfth grade. This is evident by the weight gain that happens after most people turn 18-20 years old. Further proof is that most people who leave their city life behind to live on a homestead feel they are finally living the full life they’ve craved for the first time.

Responsibility equals a sense purpose and fulfillment.

When a child feels these things they feel secure, valued and needed, which means they act out less often.

Movement

A sedentary life is a terrible thing. It makes us easily aggravated and irritable. Our muscles and joints ache. We gain weight which makes us feel more pain. If you don’t believe me I dare you to go take a short walk and see if it makes you feel better. I bet it will. Even if it’s raining. Even if the wind is blowing. Even if it’s hot. Somehow you still just feel better.

Sometimes we just need to move.

Often times if my middle child is acting out it’s because he’s spent to much time being inactive. A change of pace is usually the cure. Once he’s moved and done something, even like go for quick walk he feels refreshed.

Movement is a great way to empower your children and yourself.

Micromanage - read your children. They might not think, feel, do like you and that might be a good thing.

Wait. Don't stop reading yet… hear me out.

Ugh. Every part of me cringes at this word. As a person who is highly self motivated, is often self taught and likes to manage my own time, I hate being micromanaged.

My oldest son is twelve years old. Sheesh time flys… but I digress. It has taken me all this time to finally learn that my children really are not like me. They are not self motivated AT ALL! They LOVE to be micromanaged. They thrive when I create a schedule for them and pretty much tell them what to do with each portion of time. It has taken me so much to get over this. And to realize that I am NOT being mean to them by doing this, I am actually loving them better. I am loving them better, because I’ve recognized a great need within them.

Since realizing this and creating a new schedule I have empowered them to DO. My oldest LOVES looking at the schedule, setting a timer and helping keep his siblings on track. I can’t even believe I can type this, but they actually let him. WHAT?! I know. This seems crazy. BUT it is working. Our household is finally running more like a well oiled machine, things are getting accomplished, the house is cleaner, I have more time and energy, and we are having way more fun. If you are interested in our schedule and how I created it let me know in the comments. I’d be happy to write about it, if it would be helpful for you.

Many of us feel fear by what is different. Don’t let the differences between you and your children cause you to stumble. Find a way to make it work. Don’t let the fear of parenting differently stop you from doing what your family needs you to do. God gave you these children. He knew you have exactly what they need inside of you. Your love. Your fun. You know them best. Empower your family to be great because you are not afraid of different.

I hope this has helped you recognize the areas where you might be parenting out of the old shame based methods. I hope these words give you ideas on how to parent by empowerment. I hope you are inspired to heal, learn and grow.

Esther Munroe