Living A Life To Be Proud Of.
The scent of lavender soap filled the air as the dark brown dirt swirls down the drain. My pale pink skin started to show once again. I realize the sensation in my hands and feet was a slightly unpleasant one, much different to the feelings I had but a few precious moments ago. Tingling, a slight twinge of pain and discomfort as I stand there contemplating the day. Oh yes, I remember now. The unfortunate placement of my foot which landed itself straight onto the barbs of a boysenberry cane that had not been properly secured to the trellis.
My thoughts drifted off to the events of the past week as the warm water found its way into the fresh scrapes and nicks in my skin….
I’d been gone from my farm most of the past week, traveling to volcanic territory in Central Oregon. God often times takes me on these unplanned adventures. I’m sure if He’d even hinted at the things I’d be doing whilst on these occasional outings I’d never leave the comfort of my cozy log cabin. You see if I had it my way I could in fact retreat to the stillness of a mountain somewhere and never see humanity again… but that would be the easy way and if you know me I rarely do things the easy way. On this particular adventure I was traveling to three different “farms” so to speak and driving a road I’d never been on and I was by myself. I really didn’t know the people I’d be staying with, but it was as if my spirit did actually know them. I realized as I neared the first farm about 8 hours into my journey I wasn’t the slightest bit anxious.
I spent five days getting to know different people while they worked in their element. Milking cows, prepping garden beds, making tasty herbal teas and selecting sprays of the best blooms which then were turned into drool worthy bouquets. The first time I went on one of these adventures I thought it could only be a miracle nothing terrible happened to me and that I connected so deeply with the people I traveled to be with. However after doing this a few times I’ve come to realize that people indeed have beautiful souls and I am blessed to be one to get to bear witness to this. I’ve always found people fascinating - their differences, what they find interesting, why they do what they do and so much more. The creator … what more can I say.
I often look for the hidden gems or lessons when I’m out on one of these journeys. Sometimes they are easy to spot and other times it takes a while to unpack all that took place. This particular trip was layered with goodness and I’m still processing all the things. I went to visit these amazing women doing what they do best. They were in their element and yet I could tell felt like they were not enough… like me… ashamed of the weedy patches dotting their stunning gardens. Apologizing for the tiny imperfections - which if I’m honest I did notice, however those tiny little things were not the highlight. They did not diminish their gardens in any way. In fact those little spots made me feel more welcome, somehow beckoning me to come and find rest. While we worked together I felt my spirit being refreshed - which I noted especially because I’d been so tired leading up to this trip. Sleep had eluded me for the better part of the previous two weeks. Yet I still felt that deep pool of refreshing energy coursing back through my depleted soul.
I returned to my own little farm in the woods of North Idaho with a sense of peace and calm I had not felt in quite a while. The pressures of life… more specifically being a single stay at home mom struggling to hold onto this life I have worked so hard to build. The new stresses of being a provider… (men - I see you) weigh heavily most of the time. The trip ended in a bittersweet way as I received some untimely and disappointing news. Something I’d been looking forward to had been pushed off to a later date once again. Hard decisions were in either direction and the choice was made to carry on despite the difficulty. After this adventure it was as if that stress melted away and I could see my way through once again. You might be surprised to hear that it’s not in the striving. It’s not working harder. It’s embracing the magnificence of the life I’ve already built. It’s stopping the hustle long enough to take everything in.
I came home to an empty log cabin. The familiar smells and dim light filled my senses. My children were going to be with their grandma one more night so I could rest and settle in after my trip. I am the type of person that needs time to adjust. I unloaded my car, turned on the tea kettle and waited to taste the English Breakfast. I stirred in the sugar and watched as the cream colored milk swirled into the dark black liquid. I embraced its warmth with both hands then lifted it close to my face and breathed in the comforting scent. Home. I’ve missed you. I soaked up the silence and the calm that envelope my little retreat in the woods. I stepped out onto the back step cup still in hand and I took in the landscape. The grass had been cut recently - likely by my sons while I was away. The honey berries had finished blooming and the brilliant pink phlox had taken up the gap. I stepped my bare feet into the cool damp grass and wandered through the kitchen garden.
As I walked the grass quickly gave way to the wood chipped path. It was slightly prickly to walk on but it was as if I was reconnecting with the earth and my feet missed the feeling. I noticed the lilac hedge had opened its very first delicate blooms. The pansies had fully embraced their role in the garden and were taking up as much space as I would allow. Brilliant shades of purple filled every little nook and cranny as far as the eye could see. I sat down on a garden bench that was basking in the golden sunlight and finished my cup of tea. The birds chirped and flitted here and there seeming to enjoy the evening just as much as I did. I could hear the goats, ducks and geese chattering to each other in the barnyard. I made up my mind to take in this moment in as many ways as I could that evening.
I finished my tea and walked back into the cabin. I poured a glass of red wine and rummaged through the cupboards until I found my favorite wooden bowl. I walked back outside with both items in hand. I slowly and intentionally wandered through the gardens filling my wooden bowl as I went. A few leaves of bright red orach and then a few of the neon yellow variety, a sprig or two of blood sorrel, some crisp overwintered spinach, some tiny leaflets of corn salad and baby lettuce. Next I pluck a handful of pansies to add a pop of color to my salad. I left the kitchen garden and wander over toward the cabin where I snuck a few chives. Then I walked to the greenhouse. A little trickier to navigate the gravel path while still being barefoot but I embrace the challenge and am pleased with the bundle of fresh kale I came back with.
I return to the inside of the cabin and sip my wine as I wash and roughly chop the greens. I pull down a cast iron skillet from its place on the wall then toss in some shrimp as it heats up over the blue flames of my range. They sizzle and spit as they become a toasty brown color and soak up the lemon pepper seasoning and olive oil. My simple dinner is prepared and I take it to the garden bench to enjoy it. The fresh flavors burst in my mouth as I take my first bite. I think to myself this is why I do this. Simple, deliciously flavor packed goodness. I wish every person could taste food this fresh. I set my bowl down and pick up my camera. I want to capture this moment. I walk to the corner of the kitchen garden and look back at my cabin through the boysenberry and lilac. My sprit lifts and I feel a sense of joy that fills up every part of me. Tingles rush through my body and a smile appears on my face. A thought flits into my mind as a little butterfly would… I get to live here. I get to live this beautiful life. In fact this right here is the life I purposefully and intentionally created. Every act, every sacrifice, every choice has led me to this moment. I am completely taken care of right now, all my responsibilities, all my needs, all my wants and desires are in this moment met. I am content.
I ended the day with some light gardening which turned my hands brown and filled me with a new sense of purpose. And that is where we first began this post. With me standing at my bathroom sink watching the dirt swirl down the drain. It’s been a few weeks since I returned home. I’ve held onto this sense of contentedness. I’ve been allowing myself to once again live by the passion that’s driven me all these years than by the striving that was instilled in me as a child. I am pleased to say that things are still being accomplished and I’m finding more joy than before. It is difficult for me to live my life as I desire and not by the whims of others. This has been a healing process for me. I am pleased and proud of myself in a new way as I stand firm to my deep inner beliefs and I pursue my passions. I am excited to see this spill over to all the areas of my life. I am filled with great anticipation at seeing my dreams come into the fullness of reality. These plans I’ve held in my heart and minds eye for so long are slowly becoming visible to others and I know that they will be even more so as this month progresses.
I hope this post blesses and encourages you. Our calling belongs to us. No one else will understand it like you do. It is meant for you to pursue. It is designed to mold you into the best version of yourself. The people you meet along your journey, the trials and struggles you face are there to teach you, sometimes to guide you and sometimes to put you back on track. No one else will ever live like you. No one else can bring your particular shade of color to this world. You are wonderfully and beautifully unique. Thank you for being here.
Learn & Grow,
Your favorite crazy plant lady
